50 Additional Features You Wish Your Computer Had

ComputerIt may be the state-of-the-art in computer technology, but there are times when the key you’re looking for on your computer keyboard just can’t be found. Below are the top 50 additional features that would make an already great computer the absolute perfect one.

1. Work Only For Me

We all want to be the master of our computer. This feature would mean no one was able to work on your computer even if they had your log in details. It would be a bit like a dog, only one that couldn’t be bought with chocolate drops or biscuits.

2. Make Everything I Produce a Masterpiece

Whether it’s a novella you’ve bashed out in half a day, or a poster you’ve designed using WordArt, this feature would make it a masterpiece. No more hours spent editing, reading aloud, or pressing the “delete” key in exasperation and/or panic.

3. Fold Up Into the Size of a Postage Stamp

A laptop can sometimes feel as bulky as a small child (only one you have to be a lot more careful about spilling hot liquid over). This feature would allow you to carry your laptop in your pocket (yes, the day when this will be a reality isn’t that far off, but until then…).

4. Eat

No more having to press extra hard on some keys because of the muffin crumbs that are wedged in deep in the middle of the keyboard.

5. Drink

Likewise, no more having to be extra careful when you have liquid within a 10 ft radius of your computer.

6. Make Me Retain a Piece of Knowledge from Every Website Ever Visited so I Can Look Smart

How much knowledge do we actually retain from all the sites we look at? Probably not much. This feature would take a piece of information from every site accessed and imbed it into your memory so that the next time you wanted to wow someone with your mind, you could. Although you would, of course, have to add a caveat about believing only 60 percent of what you’ve just said…

7. Refuse to Work When I Have Important Jobs to Do

However much we kid ourselves that what we’re doing on the computer is important and constructive, most of the time it’s not. It’s just a way to get out of doing something we don’t want to do. And however much we may dislike this feature, we know it’s for our own good.

8. Read between the Lines

Some people prefer email because, quite simply, it makes lying easier than when speaking on the phone or face-to-face. This feature allows you to read between the lines of any correspondence to know exactly what the sender means.

9. Have the Opposite Effect to the Above on Anything I Send

Conversely, this feature means any clumsy or untactful email you send is interpreted to your advantage. So you can dump your girl/boyfriend with “sorry, don’t wanna see you no more, you’re boring,” and his/her response will be, “I know how painful this is for you, thank you for your honesty.”

10. Make Me the Best at All Computer Games

Enough said.

11. Let me understand the medical conditions I look up on the Internet

Just in case, this time, it really does mean I have to go to hospital.

12. Let Me Know When I Should Log On

This saves you the enormous disappointment you feel every time you log on to your email only to find that you’ve received nothing of any value whatsoever — apart from an invitation to purchase Viagra (again).

13. Deliver Only Interesting Emails

And no more Viagra ones.

14. Never Deliver Emails that May Get Me Fired

Whatever you think is acceptable, your boss almost certainly doesn’t.

15. Never Deliver Emails with Attachments that Take Ages to Download Unless They’re Worth Downloading

You have only one lifetime remember.

16. Stop Me from Downloading Songs That Will Make Me Look Stupid

No matter how cool your latest iPod, there are some tunes that just won’t cut it.

17. Make Me Download Songs that Will Make Me Appear Attractive to the Opposite Sex

You might think you know, but you’re probably way off target.

18. Make me look great in the vacation photos I download from my digital camera

…without having to airbrush them.

19. Make the guy/girl I met on vacation look great in the photos I download from my digital camera

Ditto.

20. Make it look as though I had a great time on vacation in the photos I download from my digital camera

While you may not have a problem fabricating the truth, everyone knows that the camera never lies (and you can’t airbrush in “a good time”).

21. Type like a Pro

With more than two fingers.

22. Display Colors as they Truly Are

For buying lipstick and shoes — after all, what else is the Internet for?

23. Don’t Work When I’m Drunk

So you won’t bid on ludicrous items on eBay or send risqué emails to that guy/girl on the internet dating site you’re registered at.

24. Don’t Work When I’m Angry

Another good time to read a book instead.

25. Understand Every Word Encountered

No more having to minimalize dictionary.com on the screen.

26. Fold-out Pad and Pen

So you don’t forget how to write.

27. Ouch Keys

To inflict physical pain whenever you key in the incorrect command. It’s the only way some people will learn.

28. Windscreen Wipers and Cleaning Fluid Jet

So there’s a chance the screen will get cleaned once in a while.

29. Dress Me Appropriately

While you may have the right PowerPoint presentation, wear the wrong clothes and you’re lost.

30. Find Mr/Ms Right

To save on internet dating site subscription fees.

31. Write Winning Profile for Internet Dating Site

Should the above function fail.

32. Decipher Whether Internet Dating Profile Photo is Recent

To save time, money, and effort — should you be so shallow as to place all importance on looks. Probably needed only on computers owned by men.

33. Automatic Shut Down When Partner Appears

Especially if he/she looks angry.

34. Loud Audible Warning When Approaching Bedroom with Laptop

However long you would’ve spent in a chair, in the bedroom this time is trebled.

35. Reminder about Books (not e-books)

As in how enjoyable they can be.

36. Reminder about Friends

As in how enjoyable it can be to spend time with them.

37. Url for Exercises to do While Sitting Down

Is rotating feet really an exercise?

38. Pick out Presents

So many birthdays, so few ideas.

39. Automatic Switch to “Business” Site When Boss Walks By

And look interested.

40. Always Win Argument

Useful for discussion forums.

41. Banish Troll

Especially useful if “always win argument” feature has been previously selected.

42. Requited Love

For when your relationship with your computer gets serious.

43. Communications Line to Work Disabled at Weekend

Work-life balance!

44. Change color

To match outfit. Some more than others will be attracted to this feature.

45. Be Nice

For those hard-to-get-through days. All will be attracted to this feature!

46. Inflatable Pillow

Sometimes you just can’t stop yourself.

47. Erase Guilt

There are some sites, and some individuals’ email accounts, that we know we shouldn’t access…

48. Hearing

So you’re not shouting at yourself.

49. Make Intelligible

However interesting and valid some points are, bad spelling and lack of punctuation make them unintelligible. Can be used on one’s own compositions (if Feature 2 not working).

50. “Undo” Facility Applicable to Real Life

If we could have just one feature, then this would be it. Imagine being able to go back and do it differently.

And for anyone thinking that the above is no more than a wish list, there’s probably someone somewhere working on these ideas right this very moment…